


Note by Note

by NotSoHotsuin



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Confession, Dancing, Duets, Fluff, M/M, Misato and Shinji interactions helped me survive nge while kawoshin tried to kill me, communication through music, no goddamn angst on my lawn, pure fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-24
Updated: 2016-10-27
Packaged: 2018-08-17 00:25:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8123461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotSoHotsuin/pseuds/NotSoHotsuin
Summary: Shinji is bored during a history lesson and finds serenity in writing out a small melody on his desk. After returning to the classroom the next day, he finds someone has continued and expanded his melody. This soon turns into a conversation between two individuals who will get to know each other by expressing their feelings through music.





	1. Fate

**Author's Note:**

> I was thinking of different forms of communication, (body language, sign language, art, poetry, music, etc) and I found this idea tempting to write. I'd like to think these boys can communicate their feelings through music better than words. “Is this not just an excuse for more duets?” Why yes. Yes it is. 
> 
> I should mention beforehand that I do play piano but I know very little about terms in music (I play by ear and compose by ear) so sorry if I don’t go into as much detail as I probably should… I feel like it deserves more, but I’m going to try my best regardless. The notes I used are an actual melody I wrote very effortlessly- it’s nothing fancy, but let’s pretend it is for the sake of Kawoshin.

The ticking of the clock created a rhythm, the pauses in the teacher’s speech formed lyrics, and the tapping of a small yellow pen helped compose the melody. It was a mindless action, another way of daydreaming. Shinji closed his eyes and pretended he was somewhere else, in a world where not everything had to be said with words; where music could convey the thoughts and feelings of others with just a few simple tunes. A part of Shinji wondered if geniuses like Brahm, Bach and Mozart discovered a new language through writing symphonies. Was it possible to speak to others through the flow of a melody? Could you understand their needs and cares through the music they wrote, or through the music they identified with? It didn’t take long for his pleasant daydream to fade and leave him stuck in reality.  
  
These thoughts were many; too many to count. Perhaps he had simply given up on trying to interact with others through speech. Shinji often got the impression he didn’t understand his other classmates. Asuka was wild and passionate; full of life and of fury. Her aura resembled a melody similar to Beethoven’s Eroica; quick, determined, and prepared to take on any challenge. Rei was another friend of his, but he found her incredibly hard to read. She was unclear, still a mystery; a perfect fit for any of Gorecki’s compositions. He wished he could understand them like he understands the music he listens to, and that he could speak with them through music. He was never good with verbal communication. It felt as if he was walking on eggshells with some of his classmates whenever he spoke to them casually. It didn’t feel natural, but maybe that was because he had very little practice in how to actually hold a conversation with others.  
  
He scribbled on his desk, D5, C5, D5, C5, G4, C5…  
  
_“Class should be over already,”_ He thought silently as he continued writing. D5, C5, D5, C5, G4, C5…  
_“I wonder if Misato’s home yet. It’s her turn to cook this time_ …” C5, D5, E5, E5… _“I should pick up some groceries on the way home. What can I make that won’t take an hour?”_ When he heard the sound of the bell, he couldn’t have been more eager to head towards the door. With any luck, he’d be able to catch the next train ride home.

* * *

  
  
“Shinji-“ Misato made sure to linger long on the “i” in order to make herself heard.  
“You haven’t touched your food.”  
“I’m not that hungry,” He answered back, but Misato wasn’t buying it. She raised an eyebrow and lazily pointed at him with her plastic fork.  
“It’s not that bad! I think you’re being too critical.” What Misato called “fish” tasted like dry chicken, and what Misato called “seasoning” tasted like charcoal. It wasn’t as bad as her earlier attempts, which showed that she was making the effort of learning how to improve. However, she was still miles away from making a decent meal.  
“Would it be alright if I did the cooking instead?” Shinji posed the question rather boldly. Offering to do more chores wasn’t on his agenda, but he couldn’t force a smile and lie to Misato about her cooking anymore. Maybe giving her a break from cooking would give her more time to improve. It may have been wishful thinking to assume this. Shinji’s deepest sympathy went out to Penpen who couldn’t force down a single bite of her meal. The penguin was lying down on his stomach, staring at the bowl absentmindedly. It was as if Penpen was trying to turn his burned meal into a five-star dinner with his mind alone. Misato sighed heavily and leaned back in her chair, displeased with Shinji’s reply.  
  
“Ah well, there’s nothing I can do about this now. If you want to take over cooking feel free to do so.” She sounded a tad disappointed. Usually, Misato was happy to see Shinji take over chores like cleaning the house or washing the dishes, but lately, she had been trying to cook food for the three of them even during Shinji’s turns. The small act of kindness didn’t go by unnoticed, but it was difficult for Shinji to say just why he was thankful for her attempts. _“If this conversation was a melody, how would it go?”_ he thought. Visualizing it wasn’t too hard. All he had to do now was put it into practice.  
  
Shinji got up and collected their plates.  
“Misato, I don’t hate your cooking,” Hearing Shinji say that brought a smile to her face.  
“-but what you make is inedible.” And that smile soon formed into a frown.  
“I can take over cooking for a while if you want to do some more reading on how to make… um…” He stared down at the plates in his hands, but all he could see was burned courses beyond recognition.    
“How’s saying my food is inedible any different from saying you hate it?”  
“You tried your best. I don’t see how I could hate that…” He wished he had made that more clear. When Misato understood just what it was that Shinji wanted to convey with his words, she got up and helped him clean the plates.  
“Okay, it wasn’t my best work, but I’m learning, right?” Misato wanted to be Shinji’s friend, and not a replacement mother-figure, but it was difficult for her to take care of him when she knew he needed a parental figure to rely on. She had hoped that learning how to cook would help take some pressure off Shinji’s shoulders, but it had the opposite effect. Shinji was doing all the cleaning, all the caretaking, and all that was left was for him to pay the bills and he could practically live here alone. Misato felt as if she had come to rely too much on Shinji, rather than the other way around. She loved him a lot, and it saddened her to know there wasn’t much she could do for him besides talk to him and attempt to cook up a decent homemade meal.    
  
“You didn’t burn the rice this time… It tasted better.” Misato squinted in Shinji’s direction and patted him on the back. The movement made Shinji drop the plates he was holding.  
“I knew it! I made an improvement! See? I’m learning!” She silently thanked him for the compliment. Despite her confident attitude, she needed to hear those kind words once in a while. With one small step at a time, she hoped to make Shinji feel more comfortable with her presence.  
“I-if you want… we could…” He seemed to have drained all his courage for the night. “…we could cook together.” Shinji felt as if that proposition was stupid. Misato had her own job, he had schoolwork, and-  
“Yes!” Well, that certainly took the pressure off. “Let’s start right now by heating up some noodles.”  
“Misato that wasn’t what I meant.”  
“Are you prepared to sacrifice another hour in the kitchen for something half-decent or do you want some real food right now?” When she put it like that, he couldn’t exactly argue with the fact he was starving.  
“What type of noodles do we have?”

* * *

  
  
C5, D5, E5, F5, E5, C5, C5, G4, C5.

Those were not the notes Shinji left there on Wednesday. He had noticed that his scribble was still there on the desk, so he thought he could pick it up and write it down as a sample for his first song. It’d been years since he felt inspired to compose music, and a light of inspiration was shining in his own classroom. It felt like a golden opportunity to create something original. While his composition wasn’t the best, and it only remained a simple tune, it was still his own work. At least up until today. To his surprise, someone beat him to it. He read what was presented before him, and saw that the melody fit quite well with his start. It wasn’t what he imagined the song would sound like, but the other person who wrote these notes down clearly had some imagination of their own.  
  
Feeling a little curious of what the other person would do if Shinji changed some things around, he scribbled more notes next to the already existing once, and altered the pitch. What if they were to jump down to D3 to make the tune sound darker? No, it didn’t seem as if that would work with what the other person had in mind. What did they have in mind? Shinji created a slow melody that was supposed to be melancholic. The other person seemed to have composed something more lighthearted. The two clashed. With a few minutes of patience, he figured what was wrong with their notes.  
  
_“…Maybe if I try to changing tempo from andante to moderato_ ,”     
  
C5+E5, D5, D5, C5+E5, D5, D5, C5, B4, C5, D5.  
  
The melody was simple, but it had a nice ring to it. This must have been what the other person was trying to create. Since Shinji never wrote down the tempo or time signature, it was a shot in the dark to guess the correct one. For being such a casual melody, there was clear effort put into making the pieces fit together. Whoever this person was, they seemed to have a lot of free time on their hands. Bits and pieces were erased before the final notes were scribbled down. Shinji barely paid attention to his lesson anymore, which was only going to bite him in the ass later, but he didn’t care. He could always catch up with homework at home, but this melody was stuck here on this piece of wood. Why not take advantage of it while he’s able?

* * *

 

 _“Why did they put a question mark over my three quarter notes?”_ He furrowed his brows and focused on the problem staring straight at him, and not the problem he should be staring at, which was located on the whiteboard in front of him. Luckily, Shinji sat somewhere in the middle of his class, blocked by students from the front and could do as he pleased. There was an arrow pointing upwards, giving Shinji a guide to go by.  
  
_“Does he mean he wants the notes to ascend instead of descend?”_  Shinji erased the little notes and rearranged them in a more fitting manner. It actually sounded better this way.  
_“This is… such a strange feeling…”_ There was a faint smile on his lips as he expanded the melody further. _“Who are you?”_

* * *

  
  
Caring. Vivid. Gentle. The melody had formed itself into something elegant and graceful- a composition of two hearts with different strings. One to emphasize flight, while the other emphasized dawn. It was a mixture of different emotions and it was all coming together on this small work-desk. They had been erasing bits and adding others, expanding on their melody and taken the initiative to work in a more dynamic bridge. Two weeks had passed since the two of them began writing back and forth, and Shinji was almost certain he could tell what the other person wanted as their finale. This composition had become more than a song; it was a tale, a story of trust and betrayal- of pain and strife. As he was thinking these thoughts, it occurred to him that he may just be overdoing it a little bit.  
  
_“I don’t even know you, so why do you understand me so well?”_ Using music as a tool to communicate had its benefits, but Shinji still didn’t know the other person’s name. Regardless of this, their souls seemed to come together perfectly for this one cause. They had not been communicating in writing at all, and relied solely on their power to compose. It made things more challenging. This clearly wasn’t a good method to make a friend, but it was an interesting new twist to his otherwise straight-forward encounters.  
_“How can you predict what I want this composition to sound like? How can you see my thoughts this clearly?”_

* * *

 

The writing had gone back and forth for about a month, and it was never left a day unanswered. Sometimes, they wrote very few notes, and on other days, there were brackets in places with notes that were very hard to read. They often had to rewrite segments and fill in a lot of blanks with question marks because it was just too clogged to be read clearly now. Shinji was so curious of who it was that left these notes that he actually stuck around for an extra hour just waiting for someone to walk into that classroom again. There was one more class after his, but the person who sat down at his bench didn’t seem to really care about his scribbles. They kept conversing with their friends as if they hadn’t noticed it. With no luck, Shinji gave up on finding this mysterious musician for the day. At least he had learned something from his curiosity. Whoever was writing back was probably in an earlier class than his. All he had to do was to pass by this room a few times and take a peek at the people inside. He didn’t feel confident in his detective skills, but he hoped that whoever was the correct person would appear rather obvious. Shinji wasn’t sure exactly what he had in mind when the word “obvious” lingered in his thoughts. He only figured the person would look distinct from all others; be made clear by what he already knew about them. This was another attempt to grasp what he couldn’t understand.  
_“I wonder if Misato is worried… She hasn’t called. I should hurry home.”_

* * *

  
  
_“Would you like to finish this in person? I’ll wait for you in our school’s music room from 4 o’clock to 5. You can ignore this message if you want, but I’d really love to see you there.”_  
  
He still couldn’t believe what was written next to their scribbles. Shinji stared at the words and read them again and again. The decision was already clear; he wanted to go, but he wasn’t sure if he was going to live up to expectations. This person seemed to have been carrying their composition along, even correcting some of Shinji’s writing. Their skill levels could not be compared. Shinji knew he lacked the style that the other person had nailed down to a T; however, that was not going to change the scheduled meeting. He had to know who this person was. He wanted to play this melody with him and see it come to life; a collaboration of their hours spent together and at the same time- apart from each other. How could they both have sat here at different times without ever bumping into one another? It was ridiculous.  
  
This was the longest 45 minute waiting period of his entire life.

* * *

  
  
45 minutes soon turned into 1 hour. He had been standing outside the music room for quite some time now, not collected enough to go in. What was he supposed to expect? A student younger than him maybe? _How embarrassing…_  
  
When he was about to pull the handle, the door swung open on its own. A slightly taller and slim figure stood before him, startled by his presence.  
“Ah,” Although he managed to collect himself quite quickly. “You must be my duet partner,”  
“Hello,” It was the only word Shinji could get out before falling into an awkward smile. Shinji often thought his personality was similar to that of a mirror; it reflected what was presented before him. With Rei, he became more cool and collected, with Asuka, he became competitive and motivated. This person seemed as if he had a natural gift to make others smile around him. The feeling was new and different, but it wasn’t one Shinji was going to reject.  
“I’m glad I finally got to meet you. I’m Kaworu Nagisa, and I hope I’m not inconveniencing you by inviting you here.” He moved to the side so Shinji could step inside the room.  
“I wasn’t expecting you to be so…” Shinji started his sentence, but halfway through it, forgot what he was about to say.  
“So?”  
“Talented.” _Nice save._  
  
“My name is Shinji Ikari. My class just got dismissed, so I couldn’t make it here earlier.” Well, he could have, but his mind had started overthinking somewhere down the line and crippled him with fear.  
“That makes sense. My class starts a lot earlier than yours. How fortunate we were able to meet each other like this. I feel like its fate at work.” That was a strange way to put it.  
“You mean a coincidence?” The other boy’s smile softened.  
“No. What were the chances we would sit in the same chair on this specific occasion? What were the chances of you writing something that would catch my interest and evolve into something like this? Not to mention someone could have erased your work without me ever seeing it. Events like these seem too developed and complex to happen by coincidence.” It could be, but Shinji had a hard time believing in fate. If fate existed, why on earth would it force him to go through hell and back? Why would he watch his own mother die, his own father abandon him, and his life fall apart? What good was fate doing by forcing those horrible things onto him? When Shinji realized he had begun spacing out, he walked over to sit at the piano.  
  
“Do you want to start right away? We don’t have much time. I have a train to catch in twenty minutes.” He could run. That gives them ten minutes to compose together.  
“We can play anytime we want.” That reply wasn’t anything near what Shinji expected.  
“What?”  
“It doesn’t have to be now. We know each other’s names and faces. We can meet up for practice whenever it suits our needs.” Shinji opened his mouth to speak, but quickly closed it. Yes, that was true. It was strange for Shinji to know he never even entertained that thought. He had somehow gotten the idea that this was going to be a single meeting. It was pleasant to know Kaworu wanted more of them, and that he was welcome to practice with him whenever it suited his schedule.  
  
“Right,” Shinji felt a slight blush creep up on him. Maybe he was showing his eagerness a bit too early, but he was curious of what Kaworu could play on the piano, who his favorite composers were, and how long he’d been playing.  While he wanted to ask all these questions at once, Kaworu took the initiative in reaching out once again.  
“Do you wish to exchange phone numbers? It will help us keep in touch.” Shinji nodded and pulled out a piece of paper to write down his phone number. Kaworu borrowed a pen from Shinji and did the exact same thing, only in a more stylish fashion. When Shinji got a hold of Kaworu’s note, he had a surprised look on his face; a bittersweet confusion that only seemed to make Kaworu smile wider.  
  
“…” The silver haired boy had written his phone number in the form of a simple meter signature. He couldn’t tell if this was horribly clever, or cleverly horrible.  
“I love it,” He commented, “But I can’t read it.” Kaworu expected as much, and took the note back to rearrange the numbers. The action was done mainly to see how Shinji would react, and Kaworu was not disappointed. The boy met every expectation he had so far.  
  
“Here is mine,” _The boring one,_ Shinji thought to himself. He had not played with the idea at all, but it was interesting to see how much thought Kaworu put into the little things he did.  
  
“I’ll be seeing you soon then.”  
  
Definitely.


	2. Touch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes two of my favorite Shinji headcanons; The one where Shinji wears glasses sometimes, and one that's based more on his "mischievous" manga personality (remember what he did to Touji to make Rei laugh?). Enjoy part 2!

There was a soft fondness in their composition; like a loving embrace after a disastrous day, or like that of the sun peeking through rainy clouds. Puddles reflecting the light of the sky, quivering as small droplets disrupted the crystal clear surface. The crisp and clean air surrounding Tokyo only felt more refreshing after everything was covered in dew. How a single melody could paint an image this vivid in Shinji’s mind- he wasn’t exactly sure. It must be something in the tempo that set the mood, and something in the aligned notes that brought forth just exactly that image. Notes could be read, but unlike a book, they spelled out sounds. Short sounds; sounds of rain. Drawn out sounds; sounds of memories. Overlapping, harmonizing, synchronizing, and working together; it seemed so simple.  
  
“Shinji?”  
“Ah,” He turned to look over at Kaworu with a small smile on his lips. “Sorry, I was lost in thought,”  
“It must have been pleasant thoughts, you were smiling.” That wasn’t the usual reply Shinji would get. Other classmates simply shrugged at those mindless comments, and Rei never seemed bothered to speak up when he started daydreaming. Having someone sit so close by and share this unique experience with him made these meetings feel special. It really was a lot more fun to do this in person. On days like this, they sat at the round table in the music room and edited their piece in silence, enjoying each other’s company and the sound of pencils scribbling on paper. 

* * *

  
  
“Don’t you think it would be simpler if everything could be said with music?” On other days, they talked more, wrote less, and played warm ups on the piano.  
“Why do you say that?” Kaworu asks, and moves to the side so Shinji can take a seat next to him. Shinji sat down calmly and placed his fingers on some of the keys, not really pressing them but lightly moving his hands over them.  
“I don’t know. When someone gives me a sample of a song they like, I can often tell what type of person they are. It’s not always as clear when I try talking to them with words.” He paused and looked mildly disappointed. “It would be nice if we didn’t need words at all.” Kaworu let Shinji finish his thoughts, before slowly moving a little closer.  
  
“Music is a lovely form of communication, but there is no reason to exclude other methods. After all, we only met because I was able to write to you with words. That never would have happened if we communicated through music alone.” Shinji didn’t want to admit it, but that was true. As much as he disliked verbal communication, he found himself enjoying conversing with Kaworu. He spoke softly to him, like Rei, but that was where the similarities ended. The pale boy seemed genuinely interested in what Shinji had to say, and never dismissed anything without hearing him out first. Kaworu let his hand linger near Shinji’s, and pressed a couple of keys to create a long and drawn out sound. Shinji focused his attention on Kaworu’s fingers, which seemed ready to compose at the spot even as he was talking.  
  
“Art is another wonderful form of communication… It utilizes colors and shapes to stir reactions, feelings and thoughts. Shinji, almost none of the communication we use daily is purely verbal, everything is more physical. What matters more is what you do rather than what you say,” Kaworu had kept playing throughout his entire explanation, and finally gently placed his hand over Shinji’s to finish the melody off. Shinji’s hand twitched slightly at the unexpected touch and bumped a few keys.  
  
“Similarly, touch can convey feelings that writing can not.” Their eyes met, and Shinji could feel his cheeks grow warm. Was this a weird thought experiment? Was Kaworu really doing this just to prove a point, or because he wanted to? Shinji looked straight at Kaworu, trying to see if he could tell what the other boy was thinking. His blush only deepened when Kaworu’s smile seemed to soften.  
  
“All methods have a use. I can see that you know this too,” Yes, he did know it was stupid to ask for everything to be as simple as a melody in his head, but it didn’t help to point this out to him. Even the feelings he had now felt muddled. Had Shinji tried composing something for what he felt in this very moment, what shape would that sound take? Would it be a lighthearted melody, or a tense melody? He wasn’t exactly sure. Touch was another type of communication he had very little experience with, but even Shinji could tell that Kaworu’s touch was kind. _“Why is he still holding onto my hand though?”_ It still didn’t feel quite right.  


* * *

  
  
Both of them had kept a small black book close to heart ever since their first few meetings. It was the books they used to compose music in, and those often became a mess very quickly due to how many changes were being made. The start had been altered completely to better fit the middle, and while they already had an end in mind, they couldn’t seem to quite connect it to the rest of the composition. Shinji took the liberty to erase their writings in his history classroom in order not to irritate the teachers. He was actually surprised they got away with it for so long without getting caught. Their doodles had clearly left some very bad prints on the desk. The scribbles were unrecognizable from the original, and if another person caught eye of it, they probably never would have figured out it was supposed to be a melody. The whole experience made him a little weary and nervous around teachers.  
  
“…Does what we did count as vandalism or art?” Kaworu chuckled at Shinji’s words.  
“Judging by how difficult it was for us to find each other, I don’t think they’ll be able to track us down without our notes.” That was comforting to hear.  
“But If we get caught, I’m telling them it was all you,” Kaworu joked.  
“What? You’re just as guilty as I am!”  
“Your composition was begging for a continuation,” Shinji glared in Kaworu’s direction, but the other boy simply hummed to the tunes he was playing on the piano in response. “-My hands were tied,” Not really sure how to deal with that response, Shinji got up from his seat and walked over to the piano.  
  
This was not a feeling of ungodly frustration, and it wasn’t anything similar to what he felt with Asuka. What was this feeling he couldn’t describe? A new friendship was forming. Was this actually a strange shape of affection? Could you feel annoyed and happy at the same time? He felt as if he wanted to come up with a witty response in return, but he had no idea where to even begin. Shinji never really considered himself funny, and he didn’t think he had the skills to pull off a joke similar to Kaworu’s without it being misinterpreted. Then, a brilliant idea came to mind.  
“Your hands,” Shinji commented. “-could you put them behind your back?” It was a confusing request, but the boy shrugged and complied. Shinji had walked around the Piano and was now down on one knee behind Kaworu’s back.  
  
“What are you doing?”  
“Nothing,” Shinji took a hold of Kaworu’s hands. “Try to look forward. This will be over quickly.” Kaworu did as he was told, even if he found the action unusual. He could feel Shinji’s fingers draw lines over his palms, thumbs rubbing softly along his pale skin. Kaworu hadn’t thought much about it, but Shinji’s hands were a lot more delicate than his. His skin, and the amount of pressure he put into his touches seemed lighter. It was almost as if Shinji was afraid to hold onto him with a tighter grip. When he noticed Shinji had let go and walked over to the side of the piano again, he cocked his head slightly.  
“You wanted to hold my hand?”  
“No,” Shinji frowned slightly. He hadn’t realized his move was going to be taken so literally, but that didn’t bother him much.  
“Then what were you doing behind my back?” When Kaworu tried to pull his hands towards the piano, he found that they were stuck together somehow. He pulled and tried to free himself from the strange hold, but no amount of effort seemed to do the trick.  
“Shinji, you-“ An innocent smile formed on Shinji’s lips almost effortlessly. If Kaworu was just a spectator watching this happen from the sidelines, he would have believed Shinji to be too sweet and harmless to even pull of a prank like this.  
“Me? No, I think you have me confused for someone else. You said it yourself, your hands were tied.” Kaworu had a grin on his face that could only be described as “proud” but also “conflicted”. Not being able to move his hands was a little bothersome.  
  
“Am I your hostage now?”  
“Until you decide to split the blame.”  
“Is that all? Your demands aren’t very high for a kidnapper.” Shinji’s smile had turned slightly crooked. Oh yes, he was proud of this, Kaworu could tell. It wasn’t even possible for him to stand up in this position. Just pushing the chair back to make space between himself and the piano would be difficult without falling over.   
  
“Alright, I give up, you win. Now, release me,” As much as Shinji wanted the joke to continue for just two more minutes, he couldn’t do that to Kaworu. The idea of Kaworu attempting to get himself out of this mess was a rather amusing thought, but it wasn’t something Shinji could allow without feeling a little remorse. When Shinji moved closer again to untie him, he stumbled upon a hitch in his plan. At first, he tried to work around it, but it only made things worse. He immediately regretted following through with his dumb idea. This didn’t seem like it was going very well.  
“…Oh.”  
“You sound worried. Is everything alright?”  
“…Um,” Shinji’s fingers gently scratched the back of his neck as he was trying to come up with a solution for the mess he put them in, but nothing came to mind.  “…Do you have a pair of scissors?”  


* * *

  
  
Days really varied from time to time. Usually, they got a good amount of work done, but recently, they’d hit a slump. Shinji never imagined a music room to be so quiet. Their thoughts had stopped, their motivation was lost, and not even their fingers seemed eager to write. Kaworu was leaning on the piano with his black book in hand, observing it critically, while Shinji was sitting on the floor with a pen neatly tucked behind one ear. He picked it up and placed it against the messy paper, but didn’t draw a single line. Everything was working so well before. The environment had not changed, and they still enjoyed each other’s company, but neither of them seemed capable of any improvement on this day. In a moment of frustration, Shinji tossed both the pen and the book to the side very lazily. He pinched the bridge of his nose and leaned against the wall, eyes staring up at the ceiling. This was frustrating. Of course composing was going to be harder than it looked, but he never imagined it to come down to this. A weak sigh escaped his lips as he moved his hand to cup his forehead. This was it. They’d reached the most exhausting part; finishing the composition.  
  
Both of them were stuck in a place where time and space didn’t seem to move. Kaworu exclaimed that falling into an artblock never usually took weeks to recover from, at least not for him, so being unable to play in this moment was highly unusual. Shinji could relate to that feeling. They had perfected little bits and pieces, but there were a bunch of minor details about the melody that sounded off and that they couldn’t fix. It either came down to the fact neither of them knew what would sound better in that particular area, or the fact they just couldn’t visualize a different tone in that beat.  
  
“Do you think we’re going to be stuck on this forever?”  
“No,” Kaworu answered it quickly, as if the question was expected, although there was a clear lack of confidence in his words. Shinji breathed in deeply and began imagining the different alternatives. So far, their melody was stuck in moderato, and that created a problem for the ending, which was played at a completely different tempo. Changing tempo in the middle of a composition was unacceptable. They would have to adjust the ending to fit the narrative of the song, but when the two of them tried to pin down the narrative to a few simple words, neither of them knew exactly what it was they wanted the song to say. This feeling of dissonance made the melody sound very rough.  
  
Just when Shinji was about to give up, he saw a hand slowly reach down to help him up.  
“Let’s go out and eat,” The proposition came so suddenly that all Shinji could do was stare at Kaworu.  
“I think we’ve been working too hard. We might just need a little break from this to clear our heads. What do you say?” Composing was fun, but it was also a lot of work. It was clear as day that they had been overworking each other without taking breaks into consideration. Kaworu was about to take the silence as a “no” until Shinji took a hold of his hand.  
  
The second time they held hands felt more natural.  


* * *

  
  
There was a nice restaurant just a station or two away, and Kaworu had brought Shinji there with the intent of introducing him to more western food. Despite the intent being relaxing and ignoring work, both of them were still very fixated on what went wrong when they tried to fix little bits of their melody. This small break didn’t feel like a break at all. The uneasiness of not knowing how to fix something hovered over their heads like a gloomy cloud. When they finally found a table and sat down next to each other, Kaworu took charge and planned to derail their thoughts from work.  
  
“So, do you have any other interests besides music?” Shinji looked up at him with a halfhearted smile, a smile Kaworu recognized to be forced. As much as Kaworu wanted to tell Shinji he didn’t have to pretend to be happy, he didn’t want to bring the mood down any further.  
“No, I don’t think so,” Kaworu had focused his attention on the menu, but turned to look at Shinji when he heard a strange clicking sound. Shinji had moved some things around in his bag in order to find a small black box.  
“You wear glasses?” This was common knowledge to Asuka and Rei who were his classmates, but it just so happened that Kaworu never really got the chance to see him wear them.  
“Only for reading. I try not to wear them in public, since it’s a little… uncomfortable.” Shinji could read from a distance, but the letters on this menu were too small to make out without them.  
“They don’t fit you very well?”  
“No, that’s not it…” Kaworu was usually not one to pry, but he was curious as of why Shinji found the glasses uncomfortable even if they clearly looked good on him.  
“I-it’s just-“ There was a small discomfort in the air that Shinji tried to clear as fast as he possibly could. “-I look a lot like my dad in these glasses. It’s unpleasant, and I don’t like wearing them.” He had tried a different frame for them, but no matter what he picked, he somehow managed to find the resemblance freakishly close. It didn’t help that putting them on was only making everything in the distance seem like a blurry mess. Shinji felt something touch his cheek, but couldn’t exactly see what was going on. When he tilted his glasses downwards, he noticed Kaworu was cupping his face with a smile. This was a public place. Instinctively, Shinji wanted to swat Kaworu’s hand away, but that seemed like an over exaggeration to a very friendly touch.  
“Hold still,” Shinji tensed up. Was something wrong? Why was Kaworu asking him to hold still? When no answer came, his cheeks flushed pink, and he tried to gently poke Kaworu’s hand away from his face.  
“W-why are you asking me to hold still?”  
“I just wanted to get a better look before you decided to never wear them around me again,” That called for a shove. Yet, he didn’t seem capable of shoving Kaworu aside. He did however manage to nudge Kaworu’s hands away from his face with the back of his fingers.  
  
“No awkward touches in public,” His voice was a little more dominant than he thought it would be. “-people will start staring. I don’t want that attention.” Kaworu nodded in understanding.  
“Alright, I’ll keep that in the music room.”  
“Right,” _Wait a minute._  
  
Before Shinji had the chance to ask just what Kaworu meant by that, the waiter came over and was ready to take their order.

* * *

  
  
“Misato, I’m back,” He kicked his shoes off and put his jacket up on the coat hanger.    
“Ah! Good! Just the man I was looking for!” _Oh no._  
When Misato appeared before him wearing an apron and a spatula in hand, he expected the worst. Having dinner with Kaworu was probably something he should have mentioned to Misato before she started cooking. Although, she seemed eager about this and while her eagerness could easily result in third impact it mostly resulted in a burned down kitchen. Shinji was certain she would blow them all up by leaving the stove on one day.  
  
“I made something simple this time. No meat, just pancakes.” The sight before Shinji actually looked rather pleasant. He was full, but a part of him actually considered eating again just to taste Misato’s cooking. There was something fishy about this for sure, but he couldn’t really say what. The taste had to be on par with the presentation, right? There was no danger in eating this. At least that’s what he was placing his bets on.  
“Let’s put on a movie and go enjoy these in the living room!” If those pancakes were as deadly as they were beautiful, it wouldn’t be fit to call their second room a _living_ room anymore.

Shinji was planning on getting out of his school uniform and into something more comfortable, but Misato had pulled him along before he had the chance. While Misato set the dishes on the small table and sat down to stretch before her meal, Shinji brought out his black book and put it next to his plate. They needed to go over the melody again and again in order to fix what was wrong. However, that was the least of Shinji’s worries. In what world was beer and pancakes a good mix? He didn’t ask. Shinji was already aware Misato would claim beer fit any meal. As far as meals went; the pancakes tasted bland.  
  
“How is it?” But they weren’t burned, and while the chocolate sauce was a little too sweet, it was creamy and had a nice texture to help it along.  
“Your best attempt yet,”  
“I knew it!” She punched the air with happiness in a way that made Shinji chuckle.  
“We should bake a cake when Asuka comes over this Friday for practice.” Shinji wasn’t looking forward to that, but he faked a smile. Luckily, Misato hadn’t learned to distinguish those from the genuine ones quite yet. Instead of falling into Misato’s topic, Shinji started his own.  
  
“Misato, what work do you actually do at NERV?” Misato turned to look at him. She was first going to pose the question “What have you heard?” but after seeing Shinji’s expression, it was clear that the boy was clueless and just wanted to know more about her. She bit her inner lip, and turned her gaze towards the TV again.  
“I hope you never find out. It’s for the better.” He never would. Misato was going to make sure NERV didn’t try to touch Shinji as far as their projects went. Misato knew they were looking for more pilots, and Shinji was a candidate. It just wouldn’t seem right for her to tell Shinji, since she knew who was running the project.  
“Shinji, have you heard from your dad yet?”  
“Why should I?”  
“Well, winter is coming up. I thought that you guys wished each other Merry Christmas and things like that.” The silence caused by this sentence sent chills down Misato’s spine.  
“You don’t know why I’m staying with you, do you?”  
“Huh? Of course I do. Your aunt dropped you off at my place because you transferred to this school. I agreed to take you in to make it more comfortable for you since we know each other. What are you talking about?” Shinji didn’t have the courage to tell her what was on his mind. _Tossed around from one home to another… Misato, you didn’t have a choice when my aunt told you she was going to leave me here with you._ Instead of digging through an archive of bad memories, he leaned his head against Misato’s shoulder, and stared blankly at the images on the TV. Misato smiled and threw one arm around him protectively. Nostalgia; a melody was taking form in touches of kindness. He had no reason to be sad, but the emotions were there, and the tune was in his head, writing itself. The tempo was slow, calming the rhythm of his drumming heartbeat.   
“Let’s not talk about that.” _Yes._  
  
_Let’s forget the past._


	3. Body Language

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: This chapter was actually 11K+ words long. Unbelievable.
> 
> In other news; snow, cute boys, hand-holding, and duets. What other kinks do we really need.

Their initial day out had been a strong success, and while they had fun creating music, Kaworu took the liberty to invite Shinji to create different memories. As a result, they organized more days where they did other things as opposed to compose music. They both agreed that taking some time off was a good idea, even if they mostly ended up somehow getting back to composing in one conversation or another. Both boys had avoided working for a week now without as much as look into their black books, and it was starting to drive them insane.  
  
Signs of winter had already started to show. It was difficult to walk out without a scarf and not feel the effects of the freezing weather. Small snowflakes graced Tokyo, and coated everything white from the ground up. Shinji took this route home every day from school, but this time, he had Kaworu to accompany him. Not a lot of talking took place during their walk through the park, up until a certain point.  
  
“This might seem like a strange request, but can I see you with your glasses on again?” They stopped walking after Kaworu had posed the question. It appeared as if this was something Kaworu had wanted to ask him for a while, but never got the courage to. Kaworu wondered if he should take Shinji’s silence as a hint to never ask the question again, or if the boy was simply making up his mind. While Shinji did not know why he was going to do as Kaworu said, he still moved a few things around in his bag until he could get a hold of his glasses. Normally, he would not even consider doing something like this, but since they were almost completely alone, it felt easier to handle. It was a little difficult to tell what all the colors were supposed to be describing when he put them on. The snow had made everything a blurry white mess of nothingness, almost as if he was gazing into a harsh light. Kaworu was standing close to him, so he was not as hard to make out as the rest of the world. Shinji could almost tell he was smiling too.  
“I think you look very stunning in those glasses,” The words were said in a gentle whisper that made Shinji’s eyebrow twitch slightly.  
“I’m not going to wear them in public,”  
“You’re wearing them in public now,”  
“…Because you asked,” Shinji turned his gaze away, although he was not sure why. His eyesight was horrible at long-distances with his glasses on, so looking in the other direction had no effect. He admitted that putting the glasses on without argument was mostly to satisfy a need of his own. As much as he disliked wearing the glasses, hearing Kaworu say kind things to him made him almost want to wear them more often. Realizing this made him feel a little sick with himself.  
  
“I see. So, if I ask nicely, will you wear them for me again?” Shinji’s chest felt tight. It was almost impossible to think Kaworu was not aware of how blunt he sounded. He supposed Kaworu did not care of how others perceived him as long as he made his wishes clear. In the long run, that was a nice character trait to have.  
“For _you_?”  
“Yes, if it’s not asking too much,” Shinji felt like laughing, but only figuratively. Nobody ever asked this of him. It did not feel like a request that should be posed to him of all people. He never would have thought of even wearing these glasses for anything but better vision. Yet, here was Kaworu, suggesting he wear them per request. As strange as the request was, what Shinji found even stranger was that he actually planned on going through with it. A painful feeling took a grip of his chest again, only this time; it felt as if it was going to tear him apart. _I can’t believe I considered wearing these glasses just to hear him say nice things. What’s wrong with me?_  
  
Shinji wanted to apologize, to bow his head low and ask Kaworu to forget he even thought about it. _Why did I have to put them on again?_ Was it bad to want some attention from a person one likes? Was it dishonest?  
“I think I have a solution,” It was more than a little scary to know Kaworu could read his expressions well enough to practically enter his mind. It did however make conversations a lot easier to maintain.    
“-Will you allow me to take a picture with my phone?”  
“…Oh.” That was a good solution.  
“This way, I can remember what you look like with your glasses on, without forcing you to be uncomfortable.” _I made this stupid decision on my own, you’re not to blame._ It was useless. Arguing with himself was only going to bring him more torment; so he pushed his thoughts aside to keep conversation going with Kaworu.  
  
“You didn’t do anything wrong,” It felt important to stress this at least once. “Go ahead,” No one ever asked Shinji if they could take a photo of him before, so he was not sure of what to do in a situation like this. Does one pose? Do they not? It probably did not matter, since Kaworu only wanted a picture of him with his glasses on. Shinji made sure to tilt his glasses slightly so he could see what Kaworu was doing. The moment was over in a quick flash.  
“Is it done? Did you get a good shot?”  
“Perfect,” Kaworu smiled brightly. “A little too perfect,” Shinji cocked his head to the side and raised an eyebrow. The look on Kaworu’s face seemed to glow with something other than happiness. Kaworu put his phone back into his pocket before placing both hands at the corners of Shinji’s glasses to remove them. While Kaworu wore gloves, Shinji could still feel the heat of Kaworu’s skin through the fabric. It made him feel a little nervous. Was it normal to stand this close? The smile on the pale teen’s face was sweet, but he seemed close to laughter.  
“If the picture is fine, why are you… smiling like that?”  
“You have snowflakes stuck in your eyelashes.” It was a memory flawlessly captured and preserved in his phone from now on.

* * *

  
  
They had taken the liberty to share a spot next to each other while they were composing. Usually, Kaworu would be the only one to sit near the Piano in the music room, and Shinji would sit near the round table in the corner. Their distance had slowly closed over the many days of practice they put into their performance. While initially sitting this close would have felt uncomfortable for Shinji, the boy barely paid attention to it nowadays.  
  
“What if we place the intro before the ending sequence instead?” Kaworu was not following the idea just yet, but was curious of what Shinji was implying. Their start did sound a little off, and removing the initial high pitched notes seemed to do the trick.  
“Hmm, that could work, but the ending chords are too up-beat for it to fit with the rest of the composition.” Shinji nodded, knowing this too well.  
“…This is a lot harder than scribbling mindlessly during two lessons in our history classroom.”  
“Two…?” Kaworu’s focused stare had softened. “-That might be how we can solve it.”  
“By writing on desks again?” A smile formed on Kaworu’s lips.  
“By playing next to each other at the same time.” While Kaworu had a lot of good ideas, this did not seem like one of them.  
“…Won’t that just be confusing?”  
“We’re not harmonizing. If we play the melody together, maybe we can feel just what parts sound off.”  
“I thought harmony was just in the melody itself.”  
“Some humans work well together, and others can not work together no matter how hard they try. I think we have potential, but we need to synch with each other to do it.” Shinji was not sure if what Kaworu was saying was supposed to be taken literally or poetically. There was an underlying truth to Kaworu’s words, but how could they put that formula into practice and measure the results? How do you measure how well people work together? Is not the criteria which is used to judge it very subjective?  
“Humans work like notes. Some notes make perfect chords, and others sound horrible together.” Shinji could entertain that idea.  
“Show me your enthusiasm,” The third time their hands touched; it was to place Shinji’s hands atop the piano. The feeling in that touch resembled eagerness and determination.  

* * *

  
  
“You slouch a lot,” It was as if saying random things at least once a day was some kind of sacred ritual for Kaworu. The pale teen would simply stare at Shinji at any point in time and point out something obvious or confusing. Mostly, it was a mixture of both. It was never an insult, but it left Shinji wondering just what Kaworu wanted to accomplish by pointing these things out.  
“Excuse me?”  
“I think we’re the same height.” Now it was just getting ridiculous.  
“What? No, we’re not.”  
“Do you want to see for yourself?” _Sure_. They had been sitting in this room bored to tears for long enough, so they might as well have some fun. Shinji got up and was about to proclaim that he was right; that they were not the same height. At least, that was the plan until Kaworu stepped dangerously close and placed his hands on Shinji’s shoulders. Shinji instantly stiffened at the sudden touch. He should have gotten used to this by now, but it was hard for him to adapt to Kaworu’s open and extrovert personality.  
  
“If you try to stand up straight and not look at the ground, you’ll see we’re at the same eye-level.” Why was he pointing this out again? Shinji did not bother asking. Whenever he asked, he always got a question in return. Answering Kaworu’s questions was not bringing him any closer to realizing what Kaworu was thinking. Shifting the topic like that was only one of many traits he still wanted to understand about his new friend. As much as Shinji wanted to know what made Kaworu act this way, a part of him was happy Kaworu spun the question around and derailed the conversation from meeting an awkward conclusion.  
“See? We’re pretty close,” _Pretty close_. Shinji could feel Kaworu’s breath on his skin. It felt warm, and a little distracting. Kaworu allowed one hand to fall and lightly curl around Shinji’s palm. The touch was very faint this time around, almost cautiously lingering at the spot to see if it was an advancement that was going to be rejected or accepted.  
“Yeah… You’re right, there’s not really that much of a difference.”  This closeness was unfairly nerve-wracking. He had lost count now; how many times had Kaworu’s hands been on his? What was this feeling best described as? It felt shaky and undefined, and yet there was a strange urge to let his fingers intertwine with Kaworu’s in response.  
  
A ringing noise of Beethoven’s 5 th symphony began playing just in time to interrupt Shinji’s thoughts, and he quickly stepped away to put his phone to his ear. What a fitting composition for a fitting character. He exchanged a few words, mostly words that formed different sounding apologies and sighs. Kaworu watched the boy try to get a word in edgewise, but the person on the other line was not tolerating it.  
“How was I supposed to know you wanted me to practice today!?” Shinji moved the phone further away from his ear, probably to avoid being yelled at. Kaworu observed Shinji’s expressions, and the way he seemed to react to words as if they were physical blows to his physique rather than his psyche. The boy would put his hand up to his chest almost defensively, and he’d flinch at accusations as well as insults. He could hear the person on the other line shout at Shinji for being negligent, but all Kaworu saw was Shinji pull back in attempt to defend himself. “I’m on my way, so please quit bossing me around!” In a moment of anger, he yelled back, and hung up. It only took a second to realize what it was he had said to Asuka of all people, and a chill rushed down his spine. _Oh, that’s going to come back and bite me in the ass…_  
  
When Shinji turned to look back at Kaworu, he found him standing there with his hands in his pockets, smiling.  
“S-sorry… that was… a friend of mine.”  
“That was the first time I’ve seen you angry.” Was that all Kaworu was going to take in from that conversation? Maybe that was for the best. Asuka always managed to bring out the more fiery side of Shinji’s personality- the side that occasionally yelled and screamed in response. It was not a side he wanted Kaworu to know about, even if Shinji was sure Kaworu would say it was just a natural reaction and _emotions are healthy_ and _whatever_. _Life would be so much easier without having to feel sad or mad._  
“Why were they so upset with you?”  
“I’ll explain on the way. Let’s pack up for today.” _If I don’t hurry, I think Asuka might just kill me this time._

* * *

  
  
“You didn’t tell me dancing was your hobby.” The winter breeze swept the dust of old snowflakes back into the air. The weather was not much harsher than the days before, but it was windier than usual. Shinji found his arms wrapped around himself for warmth, trying to create some heat by breathing hot air into his scarf and nuzzling close to it. It was a huge mistake to only wear a short sleeved shirt under his jacket.  
  
“It’s not my hobby.” He would give an arm and a leg for some gloves right about now. “There’s a talent show coming up and Asuka needs a partner. It’s called Muse of Art, and the first prize is supposed to be a check of some kind. I never bothered to ask how much since I’ve been the ‘dummy’ in her plan.” Asuka and Shinji practiced every Friday, but since the deadline was coming up soon, she had started pestering him to come in on Thursdays as well so they could get more work done.  
“She insists she’s going to find someone else, but I don’t think anyone’s up for it...”  
“Hmm, why don’t you do the performance with her?”  
“On a stage in front of over a thousand people?” It sounded ridiculous. He wanted to fade into the background, and not be put under a giant spotlight.  
“Would you do it if I came to cheer you on?” Shinji turned to look at Kaworu with a look that begged for an explanation.  
“You can buy tickets to this talent show, right? Would you feel more comfortable knowing I was in the crowd cheering for you?”  
“…I…” As strange as it was, he felt very at peace with that idea. Shinji did not have severe stage fright, but he was a little worried of messing up in front of so many people. Seeing Kaworu sit there as support was nothing short of a kindhearted gesture. How could he possibly turn that down? Not to mention that going up on a stage with a close friend of his sounded fun on its own. All he lacked was the courage to actually pull through with a live show.    
  
“Give it some thought. I’d hate to miss a performance with you as its star.” Shinji smiled; mostly because Kaworu genuinely thought he was supposed to be the star of the show. Asuka would probably have laughed at Kaworu’s words. Shinji could understand that reaction.  
“Why? Would watching me fall and trip over my own feet really be that entertaining?”  
“Maybe for some,” He mused. “But I want to see what you can tell me through other methods of communication.”  
“Other methods?”  
“Your body language. What story will you tell with the choreography to the sound of music?”  
“It’s not really… my choreography. Misato helped Asuka come up with the steps. I just follow what they instruct me to do.”  
“Two people can perform the same dance, but that does not mean their message will be conveyed equally as well.” _Why does he keep pointing this out?_

“I have no doubt you will do great in your performance, Shinji,”  
“Again, you expect too much of me,”  
“It only seems that way because I believe in you for the both of us. Have more confidence in yourself.” It was easy to say things like “have more confidence” but another thing was to actually find a way to acquire that confidence.  
“Start by practicing more with the intent of getting up on stage with Asuka.” Well, there was Kaworu putting forward the alternative to try and get more confidence. Sometimes, Shinji had to laugh at how absurdly easy Kaworu made things like this look like. He would be stuck wondering just how to find the answer while Kaworu effortlessly reached it and presented it so clearly.  
“If you think that will help, I’ll try, but don’t expect anything amazing.”  
“Something amazing can not be anything but amazing.” There was that annoyance again. Surprisingly, the feeling of annoyance had started to fade, and the only thing that he appeared to be left with was an unexplainable sort of affection Shinji was not sure he ever felt for another person before. Every time Kaworu said kind words similar to those, it became harder to breathe. His chest would feel heavy, and his cheeks would turn a rosy shade of pink. This was such a complicated feeling. Why did all this, despite how painful it seemed, make him happy?  
“You are… unbelievably stubborn with your opinions.”  
“Only when they’re true.” _Incredible. You can’t win with this guy._  
  
“We’re going to miss our train, come on!” Shinji grabbed Kaworu’s hand and started running. In reality, it was just an excuse to hold onto him again. There was an underlying emotional addiction in wondering just what the next touch would feel like. It was the first time Shinji reached out to hold Kaworu’s hand on his own. The feeling could best be described as safe and content.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Asuka will be appearing in the next chapter. She takes up a good chunk of it, if not all of it. This is because I shamelessly love Asuka and Shinji's chemistry a lot whether it's romantic or platonic. 'v'/ That was all for this chapter. Thank you for reading!


	4. Dance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took a little longer than expected but I wanted to spend some extra time on it to make sure I got all the descriptions down as I imagined them to be. Enjoy!

“Up! Right! Spin! Scheisse! Shinji, you’re doing it wrong!” That was the final straw. Shinji attempted to keep up with Asuka but ended up tripping over his own feet in the process. They both plummeted to the ground with a loud thud that was soon followed by the sound of the music switching tracks. Asuka kicked Shinji away and pulled herself up in a standing position within seconds while Shinji was still left on the ground, rubbing his shoulder from the impact.  
  
“What stunt were you trying to pull there? Don’t fall on me like that!” _Stunt?_  
“I’m sorry, but you don’t need to yell at me!” She squinted in his direction and leaned down to stare into his eyes. While Shinji glared at her just a moment ago, he knew his determination crumbled if faced with Asuka’s wrath. It was almost as if she was trying to see if Shinji was being sincere or if he had some malicious intent hidden in the dark corners of his mind. Asuka knew Shinji could be a pervert, but this was more an act of clumsiness than an act of perversion, so she let the action slide.

“Get up! How am I supposed to focus when you’re not putting up a fight?”  
“I don’t think yelling is going to make things better,”  
“Sure it is! Get up!” She grabbed him by the arm in attempt to pull him up. In a moment where bad decisions were plenty, Shinji retorted by pulling Asuka back down onto the floor. This time, she was the one to trip and fall onto him. While this was done to teach Asuka a lesson, he remembered the flaw in his plan; the idea of him trying to teach Asuka a lesson. Showing backbone was only going to make it easier for Asuka to snap it in half. The move was not as planned out as it first seemed, and Shinji found new strength in his legs when he felt Asuka’s nails pierce his shoulder aggressively in a tight grip. _This is it. This is how I die._  
  
“You two, calm down!” Thank God Misato was here to help them out. Even if Misato spent most of the time practicing cooking in the kitchen, she was able to supervise them in the meantime because of how loud they got when they argued. “-It’s getting late, so I don’t want to hear you bicker and fight like an old married couple.”  
“Yes, Misato-“ Both of them said in a monotone voice to show obedience.  
“Ack!” Asuka flicked Shinji’s ear and pulled him up by the shoulders.   
  
“Get a hold of yourself. How can you not have the dance down by now?”  
“Why are you getting so upset at me anyways? Shouldn’t you be yelling at your real partner? Have you even found one yet?”  
“Don’t you worry about that. Whoever he turns out to be, I’m sure he’ll learn faster than you.” _He better run faster than me too if he plans on getting a clean escape._ Shinji sighed deeply and collected his thoughts. He closed his eyes for a second to imagine a space where nothing but music existed; where his thoughts and feelings were going to transcend into the fabric of notes and sound. It was best to pretend he was not dancing at all, but that he was creating a performance to be enjoyed by others. _“I believe in you for the both of us”_ Those kind words had taken residence in his heart, and were now playing out in the form of a melody.  
  
“Again. Let’s start from the beginning again.”  
“That’s the spirit! Try not to fall behind this time.” Asuka grinned and took a hold of Shinji’s hands. Even Asuka could tell Shinji felt a little more determined this time around. She thought it was because she showed him who was in charge; put on some negative reinforcement, but it was far from the truth. When the music started, Shinji took the lead, and guided Asuka through graceful turns and twists. The melody to which their hearts resonated to was a classic, a composition by Beethoven. Chest to chest, hand to hip, cheek to cheek, their moves synchronized perfectly. _“Humans work like notes. Some notes make perfect chords, and others sound horrible together.”_ Was this Kaworu’s vision? All their muscles seemed to work together and synch up flawlessly, from their arms to their hearts, their bodies sang to the melody and communicated the message of serenity that Beethoven showed through his music.  
  
The longer the melody played the deeper Shinji felt he was sinking into a world where motion became sound, where their choreography started to blend into a pool of different emotions. Was this the feeling of unity? The experience of two units working as one; it felt unique. Was it possible to achieve something like this with someone else other than Asuka? Shinji wondered if it was possible to achieve this type of harmony with Kaworu when they composed music together. _I never thought I’d dance with someone on a stage, but you make me want to take the risk of embarrassing myself in front of all those people. People I don’t even know. Why?_ What was life without a little risk? Was it possible to achieve happiness without taking a risk? Was the risk worth it? _What should I do?_  
  
Asuka threw her arm around Shinji and kicked her leg up high. Shinji helped her hold the pose, and their faces came a little too close to what Shinji knows Asuka refers to as “The Danger Zone”. Both were too exhausted to say a word, but when Shinji looked down at Asuka, he was not expecting her to smile with content. It was hard to tell if that blush on her cheeks was from their training session, or because they were holding this pose for a little too long.

“Where was that spirit all this time?”  
“W-what?” Shinji lowered his hand and helped Asuka break the pose. All the redhead did was point towards Shinji with a confident smile on her face. She prodded his chest slightly, in a way that actually hurt more than it should have.  
“Do that again!”  
“Do what again?!” Shinji stepped back and covered his chest with his arms. He’s had enough of Asuka’s pulling, poking and slapping. Could there be a little less intimacy between them that showed itself in micro aggressions?  
“That entire thing! The expression too!” Shinji furrowed his brows at that last part.  
“The… expression?” Posing that short question was enough to make a rather joyous moment completely silent. Asuka looked away and seemed to be grumbling something over to herself. The German mumbo-jumbo spiel was never cute. Maybe once upon a time, that part of Asuka could have been seen as cutesy- but when she was visibly trying to prevent him from realizing what it was she was talking about, it had already treaded into the territory of “annoying”.  
“Uh, Asuka-?”  
“Nothing. That’s enough for today. I’m going to hit the shower first.” _Of course._ He was a little disappointed to not know just what it was Asuka was talking about, but perhaps it was for the better.  
  
Shinji lied down on the couch and closed his eyes, trying to calm down from their hectic performance. All he could think about was the words Kaworu had told him about harmony, and how some people naturally worked together better than others. It did not feel as if Asuka was ever going to match his rhythm very well, but despite this, Shinji did what he does best and tried adjusting to Asuka’s tempo. Someone once told him that if humans refused to adapt to their environment, they would die out. He was very young at the time, and had not exactly realized what the phrase meant, but he understood the sentiment now. Comparing his teamwork to the composition he had been working on all this time with Kaworu made him realize just where he got the inspiration from. The gentle and sweet tempo was inspired by Rei’s subtle acts of kindness. The ending that was clashing with the overall tempo and seemed more up-beat reminded him of Asuka. He took inspiration from the people around him. This was so easy to see, and yet he had completely missed it up until now.  
  
“Hey, Shinji-“ Asuka walked into the room again only to find the boy half-asleep.  
“Shinji?” She then leaned down and analyzed the supposedly sleeping boy. _Don’t move. Maybe she’ll go away._ She raised an eyebrow and placed two fingers together to pinch Shinji’s nose. _A little oxygen deprivation isn’t going to kill anyone._ Since Shinji’s lips were already parted, it was still possible to breathe. That was, until Asuka decided to pinch his mouth closed too. _Oh my god, she is evil._  
  
“What do you want now?” He murmured tiresomely, scrunching his face up in the process to try and shake her off. The reply seemed to have satisfied her enough to let go.  
“Why are you sleeping? I’m still here.”  
“You said we were done for tonight, so I wanted to rest…” Had Shinji opened his eyes, he would have seen the displeased frown form on Asuka’s delicate features.  
“Fine. Be that way then,” He did not exactly have to see her to tell she was in one of those strange moods again. It was difficult to understand just what it was Asuka wanted from him, since she never really said it out loud. All Shinji could do was guess his way to the right answer.  
“Did you want to practice some more?”  
“No. Forget it. Why would I want to spend more time with you if I don’t have to?” That was clearly the wrong question to pose, but it had given him another clue.

“You can take my bed if you want to sleep. I’m comfortable here.” Unfortunately, Shinji’s idea of a “clue” was not as much a clue as it was projection. If he was exhausted, he assumed Asuka would be as well. That still did not seem as if it even grazed the truth.  
“Sure, whatever.” He could not muster the energy to keep asking Asuka questions until she felt like opening up. Instead, he allowed himself to sink back into a well-deserved slumber.

* * *

  
  
Everyone was already sleeping in their respective rooms when the clock turned past midnight. Shinji had taken the couch since getting up seemed too much of a hassle, and he had grown quite comfortable there. Misato had passed out in her room with a bunch of paperwork lying messily around her bed. In the end, Asuka was the only one who was still awake.  
  
“Do you have to make it so obvious you don’t like to spend time with me…” She tugged at the sheets in frustration- it was easier than clutching to her chest. The bed was neat and the sheets were new, probably because Shinji made sure to keep his room simple and tidy. There was not really much going on in Shinji’s room. Most people decorated or collected items. Shinji barely even put posters up on the walls, and Asuka suspected that the posters that did cover the walls were not his, but Misato’s. The room itself felt empty; it reminded her of how Shinji used to be around her before they got to know each other a little better. He was boring. “ _He is still boring.”_  That’s what she told herself not to think too much about him. The boy had first acted apathetic and detached from reality. It felt as if Shinji had trouble putting value on things or derive pleasure from anything. While Misato had never explained why, a part of her wondered just what it was that Shinji and Misato were hiding from her. Misato was not related to Shinji, was she? So why was he here?  
  
_“Why can’t you two trust me and just tell me already…”_ The gap between them was closing, but it still felt like she had a long way to go before Shinji could consider her a close friend. Asuka closed her eyes and buried her face in the pillow. The action only made her more furious with herself.  
“The pillow smells like Shinji…” It was not a nasty scent, but it was not a pleasant scent either. It only served to remind her of why she was here to begin with. Her emotions were conflicted, and she was not exactly sure what she wanted to accomplish by dwelling on this fact. She picked up the pillow and blanket before she decided to head into the living room. As predicted, Shinji was sleeping on the couch, and this time it did not seem like he was faking it just to avoid talking to her. She knew he could not see her, but she glared at him anyways.  
  
“Misato’s favorite. Rei’s favorite. Teacher’s favorite. You make me so angry.” Shinji was not going to react, and that was probably the biggest reason to why she was whispering nonsense into pure darkness. It did not even feel as if the walls were listening to her. The sound bounced around the room; a sound made for her ears alone. It was confirmation to her own self, to remind herself of what was true. “ _Misato’s favorite. Rei’s favorite. Teacher’s favorite. Everyone’s favorite. Who is your favorite? It can’t be me. It is probably Rei. Is it Rei? Why is it Rei? What can Rei give you that I can’t?”_ She put the blanket down next to the couch and sat down with her knees up to her chest, staring at Shinji’s sleeping face.  
  
“You don’t get anything. You really are an idiot…”  There was never a search for another dance partner. When she first applied, she knew she wanted to do it with Shinji. However, admitting this was difficult. When Asuka had commanded Shinji to dance with her, his response was a solid “no”. She told him to do it again, and again, but he continued to deny her. All she could do at that point not to look desperate or foolish was to change her offer; make him a temporary partner. After lowering the bar, Shinji complied only as a substitute so Asuka could practice the choreography with someone. Did he accept her offer as a substitute only because there was no way he could disappoint her this way? Was the thought of going up on stage and messing up really that unbearable?

Why was it so hard for Shinji to understand she wanted them to do something fun together? Did she really need to spell it out for him? Could he not see this? Admitting she needed his help or enjoyed spending time in his presence was out of the question. That fact should have been obvious by now, and since it did not appear obvious to Shinji it only made her feel more furious with him. “ _Why did it have to be Shinji? Why couldn’t it be someone else? Anyone else would suffice. Anyone would honestly be better. He’s clumsy, he never does what I say, and he’s so dense.”_  
  
There was something about Shinji that made her want to get closer to him. Normally, she never would have approached a guy like him without Misato or Rei’s interference, but now she found herself hoping for a close friendship with this boy. The loneliness in her was one she was trying to fill with the affection of others. When no such affection showed itself, she felt hallow on the inside.  
  
“You don’t like me. That’s fine. Just stop pretending that’s not what you’re feeling...” The pretending was insufferable. Trying to claw forth the affection with her bare hands was not working either, it was only digging her deeper into a pit of despair. “ _Stop making me feel this way. Stop making me beg for attention. I hate this.”_

“What are you talking about…? So late too…” Asuka’s eyes widened when a voice other than hers whispered to her.  
“Y-you were awake this whole time!?”  
“Ow,” The sound of Asuka’s voice had actually managed to hurt him physically through his fatigue. Shinji was too tired to look straight at her, so he rubbed his eyes to get a better look around.   
“No… I woke up just now… You were talking out loud.” 

“Hmpf… It doesn’t matter.”  
“Why are you talking to yourself?”  
“Why do you care?”  
“…Because you woke me up?” It was a blunt statement, but it was the only one he could come up with. While Shinji was not aware of why Asuka had talked or walked over to the living room in the middle of the night, it felt significant to ask what was really going on.  
“Just go back to sleep.” That was easier said than done. Shinji had finally managed to make out a few of the shapes in the room, and could vaguely tell what Asuka’s expression was.  
  
“Hey…Asuka, can I ask you something?” He was not sure why he even bothered to speak up. Perhaps it was because the tone of Asuka’s voice sounded familiar to him. He could recognize the sound of defeat, the apathy, and the dissonance as bits and pieces of his own past; the past that he tried his best to forget.  
“Didn’t I tell you to go back to sleep?” She wanted to sound as if she did not care, but Shinji knew she was listening despite that.  
“Do you think… I could perform with you?”  
“…What?”  
“I mean, can I perform with you on stage?” He did not need to elaborate further, but he did so for Asuka’s sake. “I think… it would be fun.” Shinji shared unique relationships with all of his friends, but he always had troubles expressing just what each relationship made him feel. It was something he learned to do better later during his stay with Misato. People were not mind readers. If he had something he wanted others to know, he had to say it out loud, which was not always as easy as it seemed. In the case of Asuka- it was difficult to approach her like this unless she showed her vulnerable side. It was not easy to convince her that a compliment was genuine unless he put some extra effort into making her believe him; effort and energy he usually did not have to spare.

Asuka challenged him to do better, Rei challenged him intellectually, Misato made him enjoy teamwork and act more independent, and Kaworu made him better understand the emotions and actions of himself and others around him. Friends should not be pinned against each other. There was no winner. However, that was exactly what Asuka seemed to think it was. He never understood why she made a big deal out of always being the best at everything she did. While it was something Shinji had trouble understanding, he hoped to help her reach that happiness through this competition. If he could do something to make her happy, that would be enough.  
  
“Hah. You don’t want that.” Shinji could feel a headache coming. He had hoped to avoid an argument.  
“I mean it.”  
“You’re lying.”  
“I’m not.”  
“Why should I believe you?”  
“Because we’re friends. Isn’t that good enough?”  
“Why should it be? Friends lie all the time.” Shinji wished he had the energy to yell at Asuka, or the patience to keep arguing with her but he was already beginning to drift back to sleep, so he tried to end their argument quickly.  
“I let you take my bed.” His cheeks puffed, mostly from suppressing a yawn, but also from the fact he was getting a little irritated. “I don’t give my bed out to people I dislike. Please stop worrying about this, it’s tiring… I like you, alright?” A brief moment of silence hit the room before Shinji heard Asuka’s reply.  
  
“…You like me?” Whether those words slipped out because he was exhausted or because he meant it was still unknown. Shinji covered his face with his own blanket slightly to hide whatever blush was probably present. Even if it was too dark to tell, he did not want to take any chances.  
“I mean, I wouldn’t spend time with you if you just made me angry all the time.” Asuka did manage to make him angry, but it was almost always mutual. What friends did not argue every once in a while? Even Kaworu and Shinji had their disagreements, just not the same type of disagreements.

“…Hmmm, fine. Since it’s too late to find another partner, I guess I’m stuck with you. We might as well make it official.” Asuka smiled faintly, something Shinji unfortunately could not see through the darkness. “I’m staying here for the night.”  
“Do you want the couch?”  
“No! Stop asking me those stupid questions.” _Are you really going to sleep on the floor?_ He closed his eyes and yawned softly as Asuka put the pillow down and made herself comfortable. She did not care. Shinji’s room was empty. It was lonely. She just wanted to stay close to someone, regardless if she had to sleep on the floor. “Just don’t step on me when you get up…”  
“No problem…” It did not take long for Shinji to force himself up to give Asuka some space to share the couch with him. They were polar opposites from personality to build, but they synched with each other very well.

They harmonized.


End file.
